Adjusting my sail

I realized recently. I realized that my history is full of things I am glad for, but that I would not choose to experience again.
"How odd", I thought.

I think that sometimes we do have the wrong experience at the wrong time. I dont think its simply a matter of how we tell our story, or how we look at our lives. Events like these tend to build character, then again so does diarrhea. The irony is: life happens. And it doesnt happen to me, it happens through me.

But I dont always like the fact that I create. This is why it doesnt matter how you look at things. Yes, it can change your attitude, but it doesnt change what happens... or at least we can not know. Life still happens, and the experience of dissatisfaction is one of the truest ways to come to know ones self.

The thing about dissatisfied remarks is that they expect what isnt. They reveal a desire for an alternate to have happened. A desire to have experienced something different, like another choice we believe would have made us happier, or editing out something traumatic that did happen.

I think one irony of beauty is this: with only satisfying experiences, I would not cultivate my own desire. This is different from attachment, but thats another story. I, however, find satisfaction in spending time both satisfied and dissatisfied. Cycling through this contrast allows me to both grow (individuate), and become closer to myself.

So, to both begin and finish, I realized recently that I would like to experience things that I both enjoy and would do again. Then I quickly came to the thought that my pattern in life now is to struggle and then find satisfaction, usually through movement and growth... it used to be that I would be satisfied and then find deeper struggles in an effort to stay put.

Growth, it seems, is the key. Growth enables me to both become familiar with who I am, and experience the terrifying mystery of life. Its a good thing I have already learned to trust myself.