Right now, I don't know...

One of my teachers recently said, "When your base becomes less stable, you can more easily and spontaneously adapt to your environment."

That is exactly how I feel.

My foundation is less stable. I feel like I am careening through chaos. It has always been this way, its just that now I have a more lucid and palpable sense of things.

I guess the old adage, "change does not come from stability" is correct.

In the last couple years my life has gone through a radical overhaul. Or so it feels. As I look at my life, I've always been going through radical overhauls. However I was able to build a sense of security along the way. As I am going through my most recent change, I feel a roller coaster of emotions in strange combinations.

Freedom/Anger
Appreciation/Disgust
Healing/Rage
Balance/Chaos

Overall, I feel more empowered in my own life than I have in about three years. I know this is a direct result of the changes I am going through as well as the training I am receiving. Crazy new shit is happening and I both love it and am terrified of it.

I am empowered because I must be. Ironically it is out of this dualism that I find comfort. I must choose to stand up in the fire and face everything, or be submitted by the gravity of my situation.

I am learning the deepest and most resonating lessons of my life so far, and I have absolutely no desire to. Two quotes come to mind:
"Everyone wants to be a bodybuilder, no one wants to lift heavy weights."
"Pain is the best teacher, but no one wants to attend his class."

I find myself unable to plan for tomorrow because of how consuming the present is. For the same reason I must let go of the past as cleanly and swiftly as possible.

Crazy. New. Shit.